Elizabeth Kubler-Ross was a female trailblazer when she created the five stages of grief, a model that many medical schools use, working doctors forget, modern psychology ignores, but that is crucial for any one going through tremendous loss to understand. While she was referring mostly to cancer patients, it applies to any significant loss. The stages are not in any particular order, any one of them can show up at any time as one goes through the grieving process in no particular sequence. Above all they are NORMAL!!!
In 2013, after the DSM-V, the diagnostic standard, was published, after a decade long battle of good vs bad psychiatrists and pharmaceutical companies, grief was one of the illnesses that was removed because it was never an illness to begin with. People and cultures grieve differently for different reasons in their own time.
The five stages of grieving are:
1. Denial/Shock
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression/Sadness
5. Acceptance
DABDA is a helpful mnemonic to remember them. They are normal emotions and anyone who needs support for any reason should remember them.
Situations are individual, but generally speaking with a few examples:
1. Denial- this cannot be happening. There must be a mistake. (We try to rationalize something we cannot accept as true)
2. Anger- powerless, helpless, often justified (how could this happen, if only I had done something, if only the mistake had not happened)
3. Bargaining- prayers, promises. (I'll eat healthy from now on. I'll do xyz if worse is averted)
4. Depression/Sadness-(in a way a finality to acceptance).
5. Acceptance- (this is the situation now) this stage allows someone to move forward, get through it, keep going)
These are normal emotions. We live in a society, where we are not permitted to have or express them. Where there is so much pseudo and armchair psychology that someone has read something online and is suddenly an expert. There is no weakness in having them, but sharing them with the wrong individuals can make a horrific situation worse. It's normal to be angry. It's normal to be angry at the people who caused harm. It's not normal to be violent or aggressive as a coping mechanism.
What we are currently going through is a collective grief where certain individuals thrive on the suffering of others. We cannot get closure. From covid to current events, there is a barrage of confronting people with so called "triggers" when they need to forget or compartmentalize to function.
I chose to post this, because as I read various sites and blogs, the amount of professionals that are supposed to help with this and do not know what they're talking about is troubling. I'll probably post more on this at a later time.
I am editing for clarity. KR is someone who addressed a system that needed improvement. Before that grieving people were discarded. She lay the foundation. It took decades to implement. In many cultures, there is still the advice to get "over it". Grieving is often misdiagnosed as depression and the psyche industry still treats it as such; something to be "fixed" rather than supported. The five stages also do not solely refer to illness but can be applied to any loss.
Feel free to share your thoughts. Please avoid mentions of certain individuals as I do not want to come up in those search terms.
