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| Peacock Butterfly |
I am an intensely private person and I've been wondering whether to post about this. Many go through a similar experience so maybe it will help me or someone else.
I meant to write a tribute to my father, but events surrounding his 'passing away by other people' are still present and the logistics prevent me from moving on.
I am well aware of the cutthroat practices of the elder care industry. I've never known it to be different and my father being my father made all the necessary preparations. We couldn't have prepared for the psychopaths in this industry. They've gotten worse over time. Experienced staff is being let go, replaced by people who have none, especially when it comes to seniors.
My father had arranged for someone to shop for him. On one occasion he yelled "I do not have a coffee machine!" I couldn't figure out what he meant until my suspicion about the shopper made me hide while he came to shop. Mr. Scam would purchase coffee cartridges and other products for himself, tell my father that that's all they had, pretend to return them and expect my father to forget the return by next week. My father ended up low on groceries and scammed out of about 50 dollars a week.
I expected compassion and gerontologists, I ended up with a commission based "consultant to seniors" (wtf is that?) and aggressive psychological support offers, which made me snap "are you trying to talk him out of being old?" Then someone had claimed that he was 'bedridden and suffered from dementia' (he wasn't). The harassment (see below) was relentless until we got a lawyer and court order to desist. It worked until the next fiscal quarter when they revisited and ran off after I waved the court order at them.
By the time I had arranged the home care assessment, I had wasted more time fending off vultures and harpies then actually finding anyone to help. I was exhausted doing most of it myself and burnt out.
How a butterfly saved a human life:
In the middle of the world turning upside down, I was also fending off predatory nursing homes that wanted my father's finances, going so far that behind my back they had approached him, taken him on a trip to show him the facilities and tried to FORCE him to sign on the dotted line. Going even further by sending him flowers and meals as incentives. I had promised him that he'll never end up there.
I had arranged for a house visit assessment for home care. The night before I had prepped the medical records in a nice folder: "Age related cognitive decline. No dementia." The morning of this assessment my father had found and misplaced the folder. F..k! The report would have helped him and fended off greedy vultures.
Assessor came with his laptop, refused coffee and cookies. The questions started. Went well. After 90 minutes the difficult questions started, my proud father in his suit and tie started to shake like a leaf, angry and scared. I was fearing an outburst. A colorful butterfly flew in that I had not seen since childhood. We all watched, relaxed chatted about butterflies. As a result of engaging conversation about butterflies, he passed his cognitive part. Approved. Disaster averted. I kept my promise and a butterfly saved his life.
Time will heal. I am aware of that. But time will not heal the cruelty that I was forced to witness. It remains simmering below the surface.
The acute stage of grieving is behind me, however I cannot grieve properly because I'm not grieving him, but what was done to him.
I miss you dad. I gave more than my best.
There is nothing worse than feeling like more should have been done for the people we love. My brother went through similar experiences with our mother. She was medicated at the end, on the recommendation of the hospice nurses who were offering palliative care, but I think he still has creeping doubts about the suitability of her medication and the way it affected the end of her life. We were also left questioning the motives of the caregivers.
ReplyDeleteHaving said that, I think you ARE grieving properly, because all grief is different. Yours is taking the form of concern over quality of care, but it's still a mark of your love for your father. (Kind of like my worries about Olga's health care at the end, not to draw any parallel between the loss of a dog and the loss of a parent.)
As you said, you gave more than your best. I hope you will eventually find some consolation in that.
Codex: I truly appreciate your comment. The reality is that this is the business model. (I know the medical system quite well). I removed the worst parts from the post, which is why it sounds so awkward. I'm sorry to hear about what you went through and suspect that you were right. However, it's case by case. All seniors aren't terminal but are treated as such. My father was starved and stolen from.
ReplyDeleteI probably didn't express it well, but instead of looking at old pics with a smile, which is what I need, I'm thinking about how he was mistreated. Loss of a pet is similar, yet different. I do know what you mean.
Thank you again for your kindness and for stopping by.
Yes, the Industry is corrupt and negligent and as someone already Caregiving for a Loved One who endured Abuse at the hands of the VA and a Senior Rehab when he was recovering from his TBI before I got him back Home, I understand your Heartache and frustration. Even if it were not my own Loved One I'd feel similarly at anyone being exploited who is a vulnerable Adult or a Child. I'm glad you wrote your Post, but I understand how difficult it is sometimes to be transparent about the Personal Issues of Life on a public forum. But, indeed it does help others more than we may know, so many are going thru similar Trials and Issues of Life. Big Hugs and I'm so sorry your Dear Dad had to endure any of that.
ReplyDeleteCodex: Thank you bohemian. Don't know how you do it. Answered a little below so I don't have to repeat myself. But thank you for the virtual hug as well.
DeletePeople ask my husband why he doesn't mind paying school taxes when we have no kids in school. He answers because he wants the person wiping his butt when he's in a nursing home to have a basic education. Unless you have a lot of money for one of the assisted living places, nursing homes are one of the nine levels of hell. My parents lived an hour and a half away when my father died of a massive stroke and my mother stubbornly refused to move near me so I could care for her, forcing me to make that long drive several times a week at a time when I was busy with my studio and raising my own children and since my siblings lived out of state that left me, the child with whom she had the worse relationship, so yeah at the end burnt out and resentful. My sister (in Arizona, brother in the PNW) and I insisted she get a helper to check on her every day do what needed to be done. Mother insisted that she would hire who she wanted and so hired a woman who snowed her and stole from her and didn't take care of her. Long story short, we moved her to the PNW to live with my brother but she needed 24 hour care and was reliant on Medicare. The first place kicked her out because of her dementia, the second place sedated everyone by 7:30 so the staff wouldn't have to deal with the inmates. The third place was a gift from heaven. Fortunately the state of Washington cares about old people and mother qualified for a family home, a regular house in a neighborhood rated for four residents besides the married couple caregivers who treated their residents like family and she got excellent care until the day she died in her bed at 'home'.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry that you had to deal with the horrors of trying to find care, caring for a parent you loved. I didn't personally grieve my mother, she was a selfish and unpleasant person who refused all attempts to make her life better. The only advice I can give you about grieving your father is to just let go of the indignities. Dwelling on them is a mental habit which you can change with mindfulness.
Codex@Ellen
DeleteI'm sorry for you as well.
A little headachy so I'll reply later. He paid. It wasn't a cheap place so rich poor or middle class it's happening in all of them. They stole his wheeled walker ffs! The good ones are rare even if one pays 5000 and above.
He wasn't ill just old.
This is the hardest chapter in life, the way society deals with/fails old age care. It makes grief so much harder to cope with because how can we not fail?
ReplyDeleteMy mother had an awful death in hospital due to her illhealth, struggling with feeding tubes and oxygen tanks against her written living will until we, her kids, made enough of a fuss to let her die quickly from the next untreated infection - as had been her wish. This is another story and grief was/still is a guilty burden I don't think I'll ever get rid of.
My father lived a long life and died of old age in a very dignified environment because he could afford excellent care facilities but also because it was a peaceful place and he had many visits from people he liked and loved. He was not always happy there but he was treated well.
My Irish in-laws lived and died - much too early and both from cancer - in their home with excellent medical support, they could afford it, but most importantly, the care given by a large family, no questions asked, ever.
The care options for us here and now are very expensive, even with government support (we pay a compulsory long-term care insurance contribution deducted at source of income/state pension) and on top of it, we have an ever growing shortage of skilled care staff thanks to the anti-immigrant policies of the current government. There is an illegal market of live-in carers, mostly from Eastern Europe and Asia but it's murky and not reliable.
So increasingly, people of our age group, ageing hippies and so on, are developing alternative set-ups, shared housing, care co-ops, group finance plans for care costs, multigenerational housing and so on. We just helped friends to move into one such place, designed and financed co-operatively.
My daughter, an only child, has nightmares/plans of accomodating us in various often wildly unrealistic set-ups with/near her.
Meanwhile I try to remain hopeful that we will live in good enough health forever.
Codex to Sabine: It's going to get worse due to unregulated profit margins.
DeleteDo not take it personally, but I don't have it in me to comment on the rest, but appreciate the info of shared, albeit horrific experiences.
Oh, Codex. Been away. Oh, that butterfly story.
ReplyDeleteHave you read Maya Angelou's poem, "When Great Trees Fall"? Your frustration reminds me of the "unutterable ignorance" she describes.
Codex: Thank you, DB. I wasn't aware of it and it found me at the right time. My father was a tree that held up a forest. It's a great poem without being saccharine. Thank you for this gift.
ReplyDelete