The Power of Fireworks

 I convinced spouse to not cancel plans and visit family. Wasn't up to it physically or emotionally. Every year in local papers there are invariably people who send a letter to the editor complaining that fireworks once a year traumatizes Fluffy and Cottonpuff, who hide beneath the furniture to escape the noise.

I have had dogs and cats, none of them were bothered by it. They take their cue from me, I'm calm so they are as well. Sometimes the owner is more neurotic than the pet. Then the environmentalists complain about air pollution. It's negligible and disperses. Go extinguish a volcano. Spoil sports and energy vampires.

Cities listen and eventually the public can't have them for "safety reasons". Some of the cities official displays were reduced in number. I slept. Ate a bit. A little tired of life and people. We or I usually do something. A tradition in my family, once again maintained by my father and then me. At the very least there's a nice dinner at home or out. Something extravagant and out of the ordinary. A meaningful gift. And of course fireworks, even if it's just a little sparkler.

I went out to grab a few things for a stew. Felt dizzy at the checkout. Came home and napped, then prepared the stew, ate a small bowl to fortify myself before calling loved ones. It left me sad. Told spouse that I was going to go to sleep, without her, watching the ball drop was not a reason to stay up. I watched the Sidney fireworks, and went to bed. At 1130 I was woken by the noise of fireworks.

I pulled it together, bundled up, made tea and coffee, put some junk food on a plate, pulled a chair in front of the windows and watched what I could from the open window. As I watched I thought of how a weapon invented by the Chinese thousands of years ago, gunpowder, could produce something as beautiful as this with the addition of a few minerals and chemicals.

I also thought about my father and how many people whom he had helped had betrayed him and myself. How cruel, sadistic and incomprehensibly greedy these individuals had been. They took more than my father from me.

In an act of civil disobedience, people started to come out of buildings, light fireworks on the street especially the corners so that everyone could enjoy them. Many who believe that all of that noise and light will drive last years evil spirits away. Distracted from my thoughts, I watched. The crackle of all that lit power was palpable. The smell of sulfurous oxide overwhelming.

I looked down and saw that it was 0001. And it hit me unexpectedly. My father who always called me even when life, distance and time zones separated us, at precisely 0000 so he could be first to wish me a good year would never call me again. The finality of that realization undid me. I started to sob as I had not done in a long time. The man who had guided and argued with me, who had created memories that I could lean on, whom I had known my whole life was gone. The sobbing was cathartic, left me drained and numb. I washed my face and bundled up joined the small crowd outside. The gift from a temporary community on many street corners and a wonderful display allowed me to forget and focus on color and light. The burst of adrenaline gave me a little energy.

A firework corkscrewed it's way up like a golden Chinese dragon and exploded in a golden plume. Another went up; a shower of purple with a second complementary gold in the middle. The reds were bigger but I had seen them before. A salvo of blues went up mingling with others. A few went up with a whistling tone stopped high up and released their sparks on the way down. More and more joined. It was LOUD it was wonderful. I could feel the booming and the vibration and the sheer awe and POWER of it all.

Across the street a portly bald man was pouring champagne into plastic cups sharing with everyone. He ran over to me handed me a cup and yelled "Happy New Year!" before jogging back. That has never happened to me before. I don't drink, but I sipped a little. Still as acrid and acidic as I remember, never liked the taste.

After experiencing something outside of the range of normal experience. After being involuntarily stuck in caregiving for years during covid and just starting to climb up and out of that physical and mental abyss. After the possibility of long Covssshhh, people that joined in creating one hell of a firework display together gave me an hour of feeling normal again.

When people occasionally tell me:"that's life", I respond with no it isn't. Life didn't do this. People did. Self absorbed People like those pet owners who have nothing better to do than write those letters and comments to the editor, who suck the life out of joy, who do not think about people like me, who couldn't join life for a while.

I didn't get the New Years Eve I wanted, but I was gifted the New Years Eve that I needed.

 It's a good start.