I have been thinking about friendships for a while and haven't gained any wisdom with age or time. In fact, I continue to be surprised that people do not change as we get older. They don't become better ir learn from their mistakes. But many simply do not know how to be friends.
I am speaking about the negative experiences and not the positive ones, because they have stuck with me. We all experience losses, it is sadly the human condition. Some just need to be listened to others require action.
A lawyering friend of mine had started working for a big law firm. 14 hour days, availability 24/7. What was worst for him was the exploitation, he needed to organize big events on top of bring coffee and pick up my shirts. He always invited me to have someone to sit with at these big gala events. He was witty and hilarious.
We were in our early twenties, both in demanding fields, both at that age of wanting to belong to the big boys club, both ambitious and both at the bottom of the totem pole of coffee bringers. Law firms still very much believe in toughening up their students to produce tough lawyers.
Anyway. For two years I listened and encouraged. Took time out of my life to be his friend. And while we were both chronically sleep deprived, I am ultimately positive. You get to dine your clients in Michelin starred Restaurants, vacation at the firm's resort, get perks I can only dream of, all paid for. While the most we get is a pharmaceutical lunch of bagels cream cheese and cheap veggies with dip. (Stop complaining and look on the bright side). If my approach had not made him feel better he wouldn't have kept calling me.
We used to go out a lot. He was driving to the club when he hit black ice and we spun slowly 180° degrees into another lane. He was not a good driver and was freaked out. We came to a full stop, no traffic either way. "The club is the other way, Joe". I laughed, calming him down. "Maybe we should go home" he replied. After that, since I never drink, I became the designated driver.
On another occasion I was bumped in the parking lot. The other driver immediately offered to pay for the dent. Joe the budding lawyer minimized it instead of helping me. The fifty bucks offered do not pay for a dent in a car. I was mad. Joe was selfish. Had he insisted I would have gotten it paid for.
He was very superstitious. Sometimes we had to go through rituals before we could leave. Another occasion. We had a come together, leave together policy. One night he told me that I was cramping his style. Then I couldn't find him for an hour. I waited to drive him home, only to find out that he had left with someone, without telling me.
I did not drive him again.
Then came a real loss in my life. Coupled to another loss. I emailed him. I will never forget his response: It sucks to be you.
This neurotic insecure friend whom I had accepted despite his flaws had relied on me for years with relatively minor things; girl at the bar wasn't interested isn't a crisis, didn't care.
They say misery loves company. It doesn't. It loves hearing about other people's misfortune, so they can feel better about themselves. Thats what my support was to him.
The betrayal by a friend was too much. In the intervening years I only inquired about him once. Not only was he doing well, he was doing something that is still on my bucket list. I wasn't envious just thought about how unfair life can be. He was unreliable, had used me, hurt me when I needed him the most. While I was doing the right thing helping people and scrambling for funding in my graduate degrees, he was living it up in a profession that can be sleazy.
--------------
I started writing this post about friendships, it was supposed to be a very different post. Left it in draft. Chatted to another lawyering friend yesterday, Joe came up. Someone had driven into his car and he was gone almost instantly.
I am processing this. Eventhough I follow Buddhist principles I don't believe in Karma. There was almost a foreshadowing that he created himself. Ive met people who are a lot worse than him. The whole thing is disquieting. He was relatively young. Life is so strange.
The thing about people and friendships is that not every person who comes into your life, becomes a friend, is meant to be there permanently. They are in your life for whatever purpose and when that purpose if fulfilled they are gone even if you don't understand why. Sometimes people drift away, sometimes it's abrupt. And it hurts when you are the one left behind, when you realize that person is no longer a friend, maybe really never was. They fill a void for whatever time. I've been left in the dust a couple of times. I've also been the one to stop reaching out. One woman I've known my whole life, childhood friends, drift apart, come back as young adults, drift apart, come back as older adults, drift apart but never completely lose contact. Another time a woman who I had been close friends with for almost a decade stopped taking my phone calls, wrote me a letter full of petty grievances and basically frogmarched me to the door and told me to never come back. Completely blindsided me. About a decade later she reached out via FB. When I reminded her how the friendship ended she got mad and blocked me. Sometimes you are better off without certain people even if it makes you sad. Even so, I do wonder about her now and then but not enough to make an attempt to find out anything.
ReplyDeleteSo, Buddhism. One more thing in common and another little detail added to the picture of you that forms in my mind. Karma doesn't necessarily happen in the same lifetime.
Codex: Very descriptive and thank you for sharing. Everyone has had those experiences. Since it's been sitting in draft I'll still post the original friendship one and the one on Buddhism. I'd love to discuss both.
ReplyDeleteI haven't thought of him in ages. It was a long time ago. He came up a few years back and I wasn't interested. He was a good buddy in my twenties I've matured and moved on.
I've easily severed friendships that are too needy or unhealthy. It's a give and take and friendships fulfill roles. They take work. This one was weird because of what happened to him and I actually don't know what I'm feeling. Instead of omg! my initial reaction was whaaaaat???? He was witty hilarious and very deep, but also a jerk.
I'm on the fence about reincarnation.