There is no point talking about pointlessness. I also knew that this would happen. The exhaustion of reading and listening to what is going on in the world. Knowing about it in theory doesn't change the practice. We're in a collective funk. I'm trying hard not to let it affect me but it's easier said than done.
I'm not used to it. I'm used to being content and positive. I wake up in a decent mood and over the course of the day people will drag me down. I cannot talk about personal issues in public (everything with spouse is fine) but in part it's the chronic doom and gloom of people I interact with.
The term is "emotional contagion" although it doesn't quite fit. Two wars climate change the chronic sensationalism of governments...
I've been trying to take my mind off things with mindless movies or series but everything in fantasy and scifi follows similar storylines; none are uplifting, across the marvel universe, spiderman, strange new worlds startrek characters are not resolving much, they're too dark for me right now and it's the same supervillain is trying to destroy the universe or other universe while characters come and go. Can I just settle down with a fun crew? I need entertainment not a reflection of reality in space.
I was waiting for something that bureaucrats are supposed to resolve and it's back to hounding them. Yes. This part is worse for everyone.
A friend had a meltdown and I had to pull back. Strangers are telling me their tragedies when im not asking then leave once they're done venting.
Something was supposed to get done by today and wasn't. People are indifferent and thoughtless.
And the cognitivally dissonant thoughts of considering how much I have to deal with now including health issues I regret looking after my father. I would do it again, so those thoughts make little sense.
A little while back an acquaintance told me she's going on a cote d'azure Mediterranean trip with her family so I recommended some places to visit. Before my brain could tell my mouth to STFU, I overshared that I am living vicariously because until everything heals I can't travel.
She brought her travels to me and brought back a few trinkets. (There are some identifying things on it so I'll only post a little of it)
I was so speechless that i realized that after the unbearable sadism i encountered while caregiving, i had detached and numbed down. I had forgotten what a rak (random act of kindness) was and how to thank someone for it.
It's gaudy, and i love it. It serves as a reminder that while society is descending into infinite greed, people like this are out there. Her gifts do not change my situation, but neither does everyone else's drama.
I have to remind myself of that.
I think we've been bludgeoned into senselessness, hit so many times it just doesn't register anymore. Something supposed to be done by a certain day and wasn't is just...normal. Deadlines come and go they just shrug, so sue me. The greedy getting greedier, the powerful lusting after more power. Get it while we can. Eventually it will all come to a head and the powerful will become powerless. Maybe not in my lifetime but probably in yours. In the meantime, RAK, looking out for each other, those in need even if they are strangers or some small gesture to bring a smile.
ReplyDeleteHave you watched Reservation Dogs? It's good, 3 seasons. Or for pure fun the movie Big Trouble In Little China.
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ReplyDeleteI'm drained Ellen. I went from involuntary caregiving to dealing with health issues caused by it. All because people took money and no services rendered. I need to get past it.
What you describe has always existed it's just everywhere and more frequent now.
Haven't watched the series, watched the movie many years ago.
ReplyDeleteAny other good series come to mind?